Friday, August 7, 2009


got some bad news folks, the injun's are at it again. those crazy cats from the subcontinent are preparing for world war three.

the Indain military recently spent 10 million rupees on 'silent reconnaisance vehicles'. that is a lot of zeroes my friends. the efficacy of these stealth military weapons is somwhat debateable as it consists of some twenty golf carts, many of which have been stationed on patrol at the military golf base in Chandigarh.

i'm guessing that these silent reconnaisance vehicles will be armed to the teeth with golf clubs and rations of cool drinks for patrols that will last roughly eighteen holes.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

to all my fine feathered friends

in the early hours of the new year i was asked what it was to be a man. it was an idle question and like most questions the asker had forgotten it before he had finished asking it but for some reason it stuck with me. and as the promises of doing everything right this year turned into promises never to drink again, both equally likely to hold true, i waxed nostalgic about when i first asked myself what it was to be a man.

the problem you see is that like all to many words these days, it has been watered down into meaninglessness. it used to be that a man stood for something, now it simply means being over the age of 18 or having slept with someone and these both feel wrong to me. over the years i came to the conclusion that it was a contradictory mix of hardened cynicism and naive optimism, a quixotic attempt to take responsibility for your own life; this of course led me to the existentialist viewpoint i have today.

it's been said that Rudyard Kipling will be forgiven what he said for the manner in which he said it. even today 'the white man's burden' is a shining example of persuasiveness, but i think you should all read 'if' and ask yourself if you are a man.


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Monday, December 29, 2008

call me the handler, i handle things; wait i take that back, it makes me sounds like a chronic masturbator...

merry christmas to all, salutations and so forth. got some good news. one of my new toys to muck around with is the acer aspire one netbook. this now means that for %90 of the time i'll be online with blogging now being a realistic alternative to classwork. expect many updates to come flooding in as soon as class starts again.

my other good news is a brilliant idea i had this morning. the obama campaign has shown us all that grass roots donations online can raise staggering amounts of money for popular causes; i suggest we take this in a strange and wonderful new direction. assassainations! people all over the world could donate small amounts and we could amass large bounties on the heads of all sorts of nuisance people. Bernie Madoff, Paris Hilton and Colonel Sanders(he's alive, trust me) could all be tried in the most fair of all courts, internet opinion! well it's 3am and i am blogging from bed, which has made me sleeping. i have one last piece of advice for something that bugs me. people saying "adieu" instead of "au revoir". if you're going to speak french at least do it correctly. 'adieu' literally means 'to god'. it's the sort of thing you say to someone for the very last time, because they are going to be dead next time you see them.


Thursday, November 27, 2008

things i have taught to others: lying is fun!

evan - if i was on a deserted island, i wonder how long before i would go crazy
scott - well it depends, what kind of island?
evan - few kilometres, plants and wildlife. i'm guessing prolly goats or something
scott - well there you go. i'd make friends with the animals, i just chill with them all day and then sleep with all of them during the night so i don't get lonely.
scott - wait
evan - ...what did you just say?
scott - that came out wrong. don't quote me on that
evan - of course not! my good chum

Monday, November 24, 2008

ow ow ow ow!

so, i was just trimming my toenails, clearly monday afternoons are a productive time for me, and a little clipping from left pinky flew up into my eye. god this hurts so much. i guess i'm just such an efficient killing machine that even a cuticle clipping from an obsolete digit is deadly.

Monday, November 17, 2008